words…Words…WORDS

I’ve been sitting on this post since October. I guess there’s no more fitting time to share it than in the middle of NANoWriMo. XD I’ve been having a bit of a struggle getting the words I want down, and even being satisfied with writing, and wondering what other hobbies/creative ventures to try. I guess I already confronted this, around this time last month, but my memory is not great. Here’s the post:

These days I find myself in the midst of a transformation of sorts. I spent the past year thinking to myself, “well, I don’t feel any older or more adult,” and now, as I near my 26th year, I’m finding just how much I have grown and changed.

Its’s been a slow, but steady thing, growing up. What interests me has changed, as has my hopes and dreams, and what I believe the future can hold for me. It’s a strange thing, the realisation that what you once thought you knew, was never really what was known at all, and maybe how you thought things were, was only a vague understanding of a much simpler concept you saw as complex because you didn’t understand it yet. Strange to some, though not much to me, I really do enjoy the process of ageing and changing. Since I young age, I eagerly awaited my 90s 🤣 and the joy I’d have being old, grey, and settled somewhere making my longed and going existence everyone else’s problem. I’m less than a half ways there, but I’m happy I’ve made it even this far!

I’ve often said of myself, that I’ve always known who I was, and what I was about, and I’m finding this to still be true, however my understanding of how true that statement is has deepened over time, and I know it will only continue to grow more real and true as time goes on. I’m finding that, in youthful exuberance and brashness, there is a fortress I’ve built and maintained for protection, but with age I’ve finally reached a point where I don’t have to be on guard as intensely as before. I knew who I was since I was a child, but the person I was, was yet to be the one I am and knew I’d become.

It’s a hard thing explaining to others how you can be sure of yourself, and still insecure and vulnerable to outside harm. People don’t often understand how confidence is sometimes the best defence you can offer yourself against others and the world. I had finely crafted my outward appearance and image for my own protection and benefit. I won’t say I suffered greatly as a child, I was the sort of person who, even against great odds and misfortune, would never say I was deeply harmed or truly bothered beyond inconvenience, for my own sake. I experienced bullying and bullied others. I was harassed and did harassing. I had a basic understanding of faith, humanity, consciousness, and ethics, and utilised it all to try and navigate a world I knew would be too terrifying to bear if I didn’t practice strength in every way I could learn and utilise how. I made a lot of conscious effort to make choices I hoped would bring me to today, and I don’t regret the paths I took and ideas I stuck to, even as they’d have to change and evolve. I find this is just a way life goes, we can never really be one thing with one belief, and one mind all our lives. Even as we feel unchanged, we’ve shifted into something else all along.

Now, you may be wondering what this has to do with anything. “Cass,” you might say, “this is a writing blog.” And you’d be right.

I’m finding these days that, as I’ve changed into something new over the years, so has my relationship with writing had to change. In recent years, ironically when I’ve possibly been my most active with writing again, I’ve also grown more distant and unsatisfied with it. When I first wrote, it was for fun, then as life continued to happen it became another plate in my armor and a stone placed into the foundation of my fortress. Writing became a weapon, a protection, a confidant, but eventually another foe.

People often create art for their own comfort and benefit, and I was no different. I wrote to see the stories and views I rarely saw outside of myself. I wrote to find community. I wrote to find and make peace with things I otherwise would have had to hold inside myself. It wasn’t necessarily enjoyable, how can doing something for survival be wholly entertaining? A bit like how having body image issues can damage your relationship with exercise, so can having other struggles damage your relationship with your hobbies. It’s a bit like when you have to ask yourself, “do I really enjoy working out, or am, I just afraid if I don’t, I won’t enjoy being in my body anymore?” I had to ask myself if I really enjoyed writing and the habits and beliefs I had acquired around it.

Truthfully, more and more lately, I’ve had to admit that I don’t enjoy writing. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I love telling stories. I like to read and hear a story told. I love singing, I love music, I love playing games and being able to watch new worlds and ideas form and come to life, but I don’t enjoy writing.

Writing is difficult. That’s obvious by how often I’ve heard people complain about it. I don’t mind doing difficult things, especially as I’ve often found what others have considered very difficult, to be quite easy and intuitive. Writing isn’t really hard to me, it’s just not fun or enjoyable. I don’t enjoy putting effort into something, just to receive little use in return. Sometimes it feels like all words do is take up space.

Over the summer I started a project to try and make writing fun again, but I found it difficult to keep up my energy. I found I really dread the idea of sharing fiction I’ve written. The problem is, writing is a two way street, stories are meant to be shared; that’s how it’s been for millennia. I often want to share my stories, but I never know how to get them to people who will enjoy and like them. It’s disheartening to spend so much time working on something, just to have to spend even more time to be able to even share it with someone who will like it. It’s also difficult having a hobby that is often very inaccessible. With age often comes disability, and I was already born disabled. Writing in itself is often a battle of will and time, and I can’t always be fighting both.

Sometimes the best thing you can do when you love something is let it go, this includes hobbies. Over time I’ve found more things to keep me entertained and allow me to be creative. At the end of the day, what I enjoy most is bringing something new to life. I’ve always enjoyed crafts and making things, there’s a reason why all creative things are called a type of craft to learn.

As my relationship with my hobbies and goals change, so does my affection and temperance. I have so much I can be doing, I don’t see why I should make myself miserable for, “old time’s sake.” I still write, but I’m having to find peace in the idea that I may one day never write again, and that what I do write, and why I write, may change. I’m having to change, rearrange, and even discard some of the relationships I’ve made in relation to writing. I’m leaving communities, starting new ones, finding others, and being comfortable in the idea of writing just for myself. I used to really only write just for me, and I’m sure that’s really the secret. It’s a hard thing, wanting to have community and be known, but having to keep such a pure and personal thing of yours to yourself for safekeeping. It’s a shame when sometimes you have to hide things away that otherwise seem so inconsequential.

I’ll continue to write and share impersonal things. I don’t mind talking about such benign things as what I like, my many hobbies, and whatever else I’m into, but I’ll probably not be so eager to share my private projects. Writing is personal, that means readers and writers all have their own feelings and reasoning around the consumption and production. I don’t enjoy the feeling of having to dig into someone’s head, or having mine dug into. I don’t enjoy guessing games or assumptions. I like when things are plain and straightforward, and I prefer people respect when I give them an orange and call it an orange.

There’s not much else to say on this matter outside of I’m sad and disappointed. It’s not really a thing of heartbreak, as much as it’s a result of having to confront an uneasy truth. I’m not sure what else can be said. Hope you’re having a nice day. 👍🏽

June 2021 Update

Hi y’all! Hope you’re doing well, because I’m doing great. XD I’ve been taking things easy, focusing on what I enjoy, and how best to translate that into other aspects of my life.

Recently, I’ve been making a lot of progress on my private writing, so I’ve been planning on getting back to working on some things to potentially share. I’ve been enjoying, just generally enjoying things 😁, and wanted to share over the next few months things that have been bringing me joy. Over on my music blog, I have a new post coming soon after this one that will go a bit more in depth on some of what I plan to share next, but here I can tell you a bit of what to look out for.

Writing! It’s still being done, but I’ve been feeling a shift in the type of writing I want to do and share. I will be participating in Camp NanNoWriMo this July, to finish what I’ve been working on, then it’s a new project planned for November’s NaNoWriMo event. I also have some things I want to write about, but I’m not sure how exactly I want to write them. We’re exploring and experimenting with form and media, so we’ll see what ends up happening in the end. 😌

As you probably already know, I don’t just write, I like to do a little of any and everything I can. XD I already have my playlists for next year’s Valentine’s Day planned, now I just need to do the art, but I’m marinating on the songs for a bit before I do the covers for them.

In other music related news, I plan to be a bit more active on my music blog, and musically in general. XD I’m planning on picking up another instrument and am looking forward to sharing my progress and fun covers.

👀👀👀

I’ve had this idea for a while, picking a new hobby each month and sharing my learning journey. Who knows, this might be the beginning of such things? I love learning new stuff. I already have a YouTube account, Twitch, and Instagram — it might be fun to share how I like to best have fun, trying new things. XD I guess between now, and starting my new instrument, I have enough time to put some things together. 😁😁😁

I’ve really enjoyed writing purely for fun again, but I’m also realising how much I just generally love telling stories, and there are so many ways you can do that! I think the lives we lead are full of interesting anecdotes and tales, and what I really enjoy is showcasing this. Stories are what connect us and help preserve and facilitate community. They’re how we understand and learn our cultures and traditions. I really love learning about people, and the stories of our lives are one of the most beautiful ways we can recognise and see each other. Anywho, I’m looking forward to sharing more about the stories that make up my life, and sharing my explorations of the stories that make up the lives of this world.

Hope you all are having a great day!

Hidey Ho!

I’ve been taking it easy since finishing Sentimental and posting it. These days I’m focusing on some personal projects. A couple years ago a friend asked me to get together a group for some ttrpg-ing, so that’s what I’ve been prepping for since then, and we finally started the game this month!

I’ve spoken a bit about my Supers world on here and my Twitter, which also happens to be the world our game takes place in. 😁 We wanted to try a scifi world with a lot of freedom, so a super hero post-post apoc was a great place to start. We’re also using the Fate Accelerated system, so hopefully the game will be lots of fun. I’ve been enjoying the world building, and looking forward to the potential ways the game will unfold. It’s my first time GMing so I’ve been looking up a lot of things to help. Thankfully it’s not my first time playing a ttrpg, so we shall see how everything goes. XD

As far as what else I’ve been working on, I’ve just been writing for fun and self-improvement. I’ve been reading and watching things, taking it easy and focusing on my personal life. Lock-down hasn’t been too rough, I was already spending most my time at home thanks to illness, but not having an income has been a constant difficulty. Job searching doesn’t get any easier with a pandemic looming above everyone’s heads.

Looking forward to being able to not worry much about money anymore. Hoping I can go back to school eventually. These are all small, “one day,” plans while I focus on my health and getting through the day. XD

Hope everyone is well! Have a good rest of your day!

Woo hoo! We done!

It’s been about two years since I first decided to try my hand at creating a little poem collection. What began as a fifteen poem chapbook, turned into an experiment with word and art. Sentimental has been a project about pulling the recognizable out of abstraction. I had a lot of fun working on the art, and can’t wait to begin work on new things taking all I’ve learned from working on this project.

I plan to make Sentimental available next month. I’m still working on how I’m going to publish it, I think it may be as simple as adding a download to this site? We shall see. XD

I’ve been really busy these past few months, but that’s now coming to a close. It’ll be nice to start working more on other things. Writing is a sludge I’m trying to push through, but I think I might just turn my attention to things that use up less energy, like kicking off my FAE RPG set in my Supers world and researching for other projects. One thing I miss from the days Sentimental was written in, writing didn’t feel like such a chore. It’s hard these days to write with the intention of sharing it, and feeling like the process is worth it. Sentimental is a personal project, but it’s also one I did just for fun. I wanted to try something new and get my words out there. Even the art was simply because I felt as if the full scope of Sentimental wouldn’t be complete without the art I felt paired with that phase of my life.

Sentimental marks a moment in time, and it’s nice to see and reflect back on things I once did. I have new interests, new writing styles, even new speakers in my poems. XD It was an exploration of styles and genre of art I didn’t often connect with or utilize at the time. Now I find myself realizing I want to add art and poetry to everything I do!

It’s interesting how Sentimental was made as a way to cope through a hard time of my life, and now when things in the world really look dull, I find myself happier and more encouraged than before. Sentimental, in a way, prepared me for the now we live in, and I hope it brings comfort to others as it brought comfort to me.

I’ve talked a bit about my migraine, but I haven’t gone into detail about other aspects of my life. I’m sure at later dates I will, but for now enjoy these snippets of insight into my own experiences and navigation of this world.

☺☺☺ (Three Happy Faces in a Row)

A digital painting wip

An update! I’ve been busy thanks to a move so I haven’t had time to work on WBJ. I also had a bit more low energy days than usual, but lots of time to think more about my projects, and just generally think about life. I’ve got a lot of goals I want to achieve, but I’m enjoying taking my time to create the art and projects I want to. I’ve also been able to finalise some things!

So here are my updates in no particular order .

  • Farm Lyfe

My story inspired by some of my favourite games finally has a medium I’ll write it in! Looking forward to sharing with you all my game. XD Farm Lyfe (title still in work) will be a Harvest Moon inspired game following a young adult protag who has inherited their family’s ancestral farmland from their recently passed grandparent. The story follows your character as they spend time back in their homeland and make the decision to remain and bring the old farm back to its former glory or return to the city their family now calls home and try to begin a new family tradition.

The game will have the usual things, different love interests, farm/other trades mechanics, timed relationship events and etc.. I also am really excited to work on the more fantastical aspects of the game/story. Something I love abt Harvest Moon is the magical aspect. The home region of the MC is a place with a rich history and vibrant culture that reflects the environment it’s named for. Trying not to spoil y’all, but I’m reallly hype for this!

I’m also going to be pairing with a friend to try and make a lil comic for it. Figured while I’m playing with mediums, I’ll try my hand at other forms of script. XD Look forward to it!

  • The Lemon Grove and Other Stories

I’ve spoken a bit on twitter about my series of short stories about Black women in love and being loved, and this is it. Working on Yaisha (Y&G) has taken a back burner for doing more research and such. I want to flesh out more of my world before I dive back in fully, though I’m still writing a bit as I go along. I haven’t written a short story in a good while, so I thought I’d work on this between other projects.

Each story of TLGaOS is centered around a Black women on the precipice of…something. XD First we go to a fantasy land on the rise again after war, and follow our heroine who is a burgeoning journalist in hopes of single-handedly bringing a new way to connect the diaspora displaced and now in need of a different way to keep up with family, friends, and their past communities. Our next story takes us from valley countryside, to the mountains. It is a different time and new place. The stories, while similar in theme, all take place in a world of their own. The second story’s heroine is an older women who’s been forced to return to her home town after an unlucky stint in the big city. Her dreams of making it big as a writer in an unsleeping city have fallen through, and she is forced to reassess what it is she wants her life to mean, and how she means to get it. The last story is about a young starlet shrouded in scandal. After her embarrassingly public divorce from her ain’t mess husband, our heroine must decide what her next steps in life will be. Having dedicated everything to her career and her relationship, not realising she’d left nothing over for herself, what now?

I’m really excited to be working on these!!! I love the characters and their worlds, and am excited to try working on something that the whole goal is just to tell a story and let it be. XD I have no interest in diving back into these worlds, though I do want to have fun building them up and following these protagonists as they come to another turn in their lives.

They’re all romances, the relationships will be m/f and f/f, with a lot of emphasis on community and family. I’ve had the story for these ideas in my head for a while now, but I think now would be a great time to get them down on paper (maybe literally…it’s been a while since I broke out my fountain pens XD). I can’t wait to share these stories with you all! If you just wanna see Black women get loved on and cared for, this will definitely be the collection for you.

  • Sentimental

So…I’ve been working on this poem collection for what??? Two years now? XD I can’t believe I thought it would be so easy to finish and get out, though I think I expected it would end up taking longer. XD Always good to think optimistically, I find the end results often are more encouraging than what I could have come up with before.

Sometimes last year (I think?) I decided I wanted to incorporate more art into Sentimental, so that’s what I’ve been working on this year. I’ve further finalised the poems, and now it is coming up with and deciding what art to pair them with. Words just seem so bare when they’re on their own, and I think over the span of creating this/working on it I’ve realised how much I really do love the many different art mediums and how much I want to be an artist that isn’t tied to just one form. Deciding the style of art, it’s form, how it will appear in the book, etc. has been really enlightening and entertaining.

It’s no secret that I’m really a novice when it comes to drawing and painting, and tbh I’m a bit of a novice when it comes to poetry too. I’ve always written, but I’ve always told stories or presented information and opinion. I haven’t really tried something like this before, something so rooted in formality, yet is both personal and dynamic. Poetry and art is weird. XD

I think I always go back to noveling and story writing because there is a solidness to it that is comfortable and grounding. Even when writing about fantastic things, I often go at writing as if I am writing down a history of events, what I’m writing is something rooted in reality. You can’t really be too metaphorical or haphazard when writing a book. How will readers know what you mean? How will they know what is and isn’t “real” as far as the story goes? What will they be able to visualise and understand if you only talk in maybes and feeling? What can they intuit from abstract? Poetry is difficult because it is a more abstract way of saying something. To be honest I don’t always get a lot of poetry, but writing poetry is fun, and making visual art is fun. Visual art, particularly for me, is more of a hobby than anything, but I like how it can add another level to anything you’re working on so I’ve been looking into incorporating more of it in my overall work.

Sentimental will definitely be interesting, that I can say. I’m looking forward to creating something a little different than what I originally set out to make. Working on this has been fun, and I’m already looking forward to working on my art medium hybrids. XD Definitely look forward to some new zines sometime in the future. Especially with the internet being what it is, and digital media being a thing, I’m really looking forward to creating something special later one incorporating all the mediums and styles of art I love!

Outside of my lil projects, I’ve just been having fun making things. Working on some private writing projects, doing stuff for fun with friends, jsut doodling and playing around with art apps. It’s been nice taking what moments I can to just have a good artsy time. XD I might share some of it later, might just keep it to myself. We’ll see.

Hope y’all having a good week and looking forward to your weekend. Hope y’all staying safe and doing what you can to find moments of rest and peace.

Ttyl (Talk to y’all later lmao)

Hah ha!

I finished Blood and Ink a bit late, but I finished it. XD I’m still not sure how I feel about sharing all the poems. Some of them were quite silly., others were just tapped out to give that day it’s words, some need edits, but I’m not quite sure how to fix them to my liking. Either way, it was a fun experiment!

One thing I learned while I was nearing the end of the days was that I tend to write by a theme even without prompts. If anything it was harder to fit the prompts because I had my own growing theme as the course of the month went on, than trying to even think of poems at all. Another thing I learned is that I really am a slow writer, and that my own personal slowness, combined with my occasional health issues flaring up, really means I should stop fighting myself so much and allow myself the room to be slow. It’s annoying. Very frustrating. But it must be done if I’m ever going to get any writing done. It becomes very easy to get weighed down by all the not writing I’m doing that I end up…not…writing.

I may have given myself a couple months rest between, but I completed the prompts and I’m happy. I’ll share some of the poems in a post later on, but I just felt like talking about the process a bit here. Or rather, a part of the process. I hadn’t realised I hadn’t shared any updates since that first week, though I did continue to share some on my Twitter. XD

While I get better at blogging, I hope if you’re interested in what I’m doing at you’ll check out my other social media in the mean time. I definitely mean to keep increasing my activity. It’s a bit slow goings, but we’ve established I’m not much of a sprinter. XD

As far as more poetry sharing goes, I’m looking forward to April! I want to try a daily poem for National poetry month as well! I might even do a poetry challenge. Are there already poetry writing challenges? If not I guess I’ll have to come up with something myself. XD While working on Blood and Ink I found myself gravitating towards my story about the monk and his prince rival (Yaisha). I might just keep following that direction, writing about my characters and the worlds they exist in.

Do you have any April writing plans? I think it might also be a Camp NaNoWriMo month. I’ve been focusing on short stories for the start of the year so I probably won’t be partaking in it this year. Currently working on one in the Neon Days universe and one inspired by a drama I’ve been watching but frustrated with. XD Technically…it’s not fanfiction if it’s all stuff you’ve made up yourself.

Word?

Just went over my poem selection for Sentimental and realised??? I think I’ve got it. I’m really digging everything right now and after a couple more edits I think I’ll have finished the base of the book.

I knew it was a little ambitious to say I’d finish everything in a year, it’s been two now, but it’s something that’s meant a lot to me and working on it and reflecting on it has been a great experience. I have no experience with making and publishing chapbooks so this will be another interesting experience. Writing, I can do. Putting that writing together in a pretty book bundle? That’s a lot harder. XD Even when I’m working on my stories I tend to work on scenes and string them together rather than work on the entire story from point A to point B. I take a lot of diversions and work on a lot of other things instead of just sitting down and writing a story out straight.

Anywho, I can’t wait to finish prettying up Sentimental and sharing it with everyone. It was a hard thing to work on, but right now I’m pretty satisfied with it. I just hope it’s as much a blessing to others as it has been to me. ☺️☺️☺️

Personal Interlude

I said a poem a day and I intend to have 30 poems out by the end of April, early May. I also said I wanted to write something about my migraine experience, something I mentioned on Twitter, but planned to share a longer piece here on. I’ll probably take a break from poetry and work more on my migraine essay.

I’m also still working on my #voicesonfiyah novella, The Swan Prince. It was supposed to be my Camp NaNoWriMo project until I decided working on shorter pieces like poetry would probably work best for me this month while I work on my health stuff. I might go back to it week after next seeing how things go.

I’m really curious though, have you ever tried topiramate? For migraine, particularly, because that’s why I was prescribed it. I had some really weird reactions to it I’ll go into when I make my migraine posts (it’ll probably be a series) but apparently my brain/body is just mad weird on that stuff, but a lot of people seem to not have the best experience with it. However my experience didn’t really match up with what seemed to be happening to a lot of people, unless I was just not understanding because of how they described it/how I describe and understand my body.

Anywho, that’s my update. I’ll probably do another batch poem post next Monday like I did this Monday, or possibly Sunday, but I’m really tired and coming off my meds so, we’ll see how that goes. Hopefully I’ll be able to get back to writing, because those meds really weren’t good for my language abilities at all. Whew~

Anywho, happy writings y’all. Have a good weekend! 💖💖💖

NaNoWriMo Musings

Here’s what I had when I started this post (because I never seem able to start and finish these in a timely manner):

This has been a weird NaNoWriMo for me. Somehow the best, yet least productive attempt I’ve done to finish a novel (novella in this case) in all the years I’ve tried, I’m having fun though. The Swan Prince was chosen because I wanted to do something light, fun, and quick. I didn’t expect it to take so long, but after spending so much time on larger projects and fanfiction, I had a corrupted sense of time. XD I’ve forgotten how much work actually goes into a story like this. Not quite as much time spent constructing the world as my other projects that branch entire years and eras worth of made up history and futures, but also not as quick as throwing out a new idea that exists within a pre existing world with already well known and understood characters.

I used to write short stories with much more frequency, but then my ideas eventually became too big (and as I’m writing this I just realised how I can downsize one idea in particular) and I redirected my attention.

– Cass back on the 21st of last month

Tbh I wish I had completed this at least a day later because then I would remember what amazing idea I had to downsize one of my story ideas. I hope I wrote it down somewhere in my notes because I just cannot remember after re-reading all that. Great goings overambitious past me!

Self-annoyance aside, this forgotten post still follows, more or less, what I planned to say today anyway. NaNoWriMo went great! Did I win? No. Did I finish any writing? Absolutely not. But did I learn? Yes, so I think that makes me the real winner here, don’t you?

I’ve been having a lot of fun working on the Swan Prince. I had a breakthrough with my little darling protagonists and I can’t wait to really bring them into existence and get their story done and published (even if that just means me throwing my words up here as little chapters to read through on my blog). I don’t expect, or even want, much from this story. Like I said above, I wanted to do something simple and fun and this seemed the perfect story to do so. Last year I had Yaisha, but Yaisha turned into something much larger and more serious than I intended. I’m not mad about it, but working on it again after the year I’d had (and earlier attempts at working on it) seemed counter-productive.

I have a number of other projects still in the works, that poetry book, turned poetry/art book, turned IDON’TEVENKNOWIFICANSHOWANYOFTHISTOANYONEEVER, still looks like it’ll fight me all the way. I’d planned to get it done and out by now, but how silly of me to assume I’d be cooperative with my own self. Hah! The lies we tell ourselves when we’re in mourning and hoping to appease the dead. Silly me to forget my relationship with the non-living. Not any better than my relationship with the breathing.

I write so much, you’d think I’d have something finished by now, but I don’t, and what I do have is all poems I’d rather not expose myself with. Last year I’d made attempts and set things in motion to expose myself to more opportunity to be vulnerable, and I will say this year I did achieve that. I’ve interacted more with other writers and artists. I even gave out my address to an online friend and we exchanged a couple letters. Heck, I even went out of my way to do something I never do and am deathly afraid of doing. I traveled solo. I went all the way down South to the school that almost killed me and met up with some friends. (I keep forgetting that was this year, what a long year it’s been. Honestly, my trip and my issues with travelling are another post all in itself)

While I don’t think at an outside glance you’d be able to tell how much improvement I’ve had in my life this year, I know how much I’ve improved. To the point that I’m back on my italics grind because yes, I do need the extra emphasis. This year, I expected it to be very difficult, and it was. I don’t think I’ve ever cried as much my entire life than I did this year. I’m sure you can blame some of that on hormones and unchecked health problems, but I think it can also be attributed to my own personal advancements in allowing myself the right to cry.

I may have mentioned this before on other posts here, maybe just on my music blog, but a big part of being an artist is the ability to be vulnerable. Vulnerability, as you may have guessed, just is not a word that is in my vocabulary. I hear the slightest sigh of an emotion and I’m already prepared to either punch it in the gut, run, or do all of the above and give an extra kick in the head while its down. I hate emoting. Hate it. I hate weakness, implied or otherwise. I hate not being in control. I hate irrationality. I hate, hate, hate it all. I hate vulnerability so much I’d rather die in a ditch than ask a stranger for help. I never understood people who talk bad about, “waiting for your prince charming” and similar concepts because they view it as an over-emotional fantasy of a weak and needy person. What are you talking about? That’s my favourite fantasy because it means I can pretend to be as strong as I want, but some magic perfect fella will come along, see through my bs, and force me to confront what I’m too stubborn to admit. I need help.

This year I definitely had to acknowledge that I need help, but that’s ok. Other years I…heard it. You know when you think of things but don’t really act on them? Or you acknowledge something in a, “noted” kind of way but never actually do anything about it, like when you cat harasses you for more food, but you know it’s still an hour before they need to be fed? That was me for the past sumntheother years. Trapped in a limbo of, “Ooh, this ain’t great” and “Lmao, shut up, we just trying to survive.” But the end of 2017 was like a big ol’ slap in the face of, “Well how long you plan on just ‘surviving’ hoe?”

While my writing still needs work, and it is frustrating being a writer who still seems so behind despite writing for over two decades now. I also have to remind myself that A. writing since you were in second grade kinda doesn’t exactly count. Like…it’s cute…but come on now. What were you really doing with your time back then, huh? You still wanted to go into space and be a vet. You weren’t thinking about being a professional writer, you were thinking about all the fun ways you can make your beanie babies and dolls have wild soap opera-y lives. B. Fanfiction…just isn’t the same as original. You spent a decade writing about making fictional boys you don’t own the rights to cry and work through their complicated emotions. It’s a little different from writing about your own characters crying and working through their emotions and that’s ok. And C. We all start somewhere, and none of us are perfect. As long as you don’t give up and keep working at it you’ll achieve something.

As a writer I really don’t care if I get the big bucks or become famous. Honestly, I’m not a people person so if I were to become a widely known author I’d probably hate every minute of it because ew. That sounds like the opposite of living in a cave and making enough to feed my pet moss frogs and keep the lights on. (I’ll use a nearby lake for water) But if I can complete something I feel really good about and wouldn’t hate reading over and over again? Then I think I’d have done a good job of things.